This might sound familiar to you

Growers Newsletter #042

Greetings Growers,

I haven’t written because I didn’t know how to change. Constantly questioning how much this space is allowed to shift and adapt to my interests and curiosities. I still don’t have the answer, but it feels like a piece of me is missing. Nothing left but to try.

-Justin

Links to More Me

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I love me; I love me not.

It’s confusing to reconcile the image you have of yourself with the one others hold.

When people look at my professional journey, they speak so highly: You’ve accomplished a lot! You worked on Wall Street?! Freelancing for three years, let alone ten, is crazy. You’ve stacked so many experiences in such a short time.

When I look at it, it feels muted and abbreviated: You’ve bounced around a lot. You flunked out of your first three jobs. You were a successful photographer but average at best. Nobody knows who you are or what you’re good at.

There are moments of self-adulation, waves of confidence—short-lived but real.

One of the most transformative moments of my therapy journey was during a mirror exercise. My therapist asked me to sit in a chair and pretend a mirror was in front of me. He prompted me to speak to my reflection and share how I felt about the person staring back.

I said everything except an emotion. Then he asked, “What about love?”

I told myself, I love you, and immediately broke down.

It was joy, pain, and regret all at once. I couldn’t believe it had taken 37 years to experience this. I was happy I’d finally arrived at some version of self-love, but it hurt to realize how long it had taken.

It felt like shedding one skin for another—a kind of ascension. Overwhelming, but amazing. I felt lighter. The shift felt almost immediate.